My rejected application to The Onion's editorial fellowship
You wanted more comedy failure? You got it.
I love The Onion. Always have, always will. “Gay Teen Worried He Might Be Christian” (header image pulled straight from it) is my all-time favorite headline, displaying a depth of humor I didn’t know was possible in just seven words when I first saw it in college. I grew up reading the physical version of the paper when I was even younger, and kept up with it closely as the publication moved online. You could (and still very much can) always count on its writers for some of the sharpest satire on all topics, be they current events or evergreen classics. It was a dream for me to write for them someday.
So when I got the chance to apply for their 6-month fellowship in 2014, I of course jumped at the opportunity. The application required me to submit a resume, 25 headlines written in The Onion’s style, and three of those written out as full News in Brief articles (NIBs). Thanks to the encouragement of my friend Dan, I’m going to continue the exposition of my failed comedy endeavors by pasting the rejected headlines and NIBs below, with commentary. Enjoy.
Headlines
Doctor Informs 28‐Year‐Old His Heart Not Healthy Enough For Sex
Lol. This is pretty choppy, but I still find it funny.
World Decides To Conspire Against Local Woman Today
I stand by this one!
Area Man Nails Meaningless Interaction
Eh. Not very good.
23‐Year‐Old Woman Leaves Job To Travel World, Trigger Mother’s Daily Anxiety Attacks
Too long and not funny enough.
Annual Grueling 129‐Mile Cycling Race Claims Meager 7 Lives This Year
I think an earlier version of this gets the joke across better and more succinctly: Annual 'Death Ride' Claims Only Seven Lives This Year
Ebola Investors Frustrated With Virus’s Slow American Market Penetration
Not bad! Prescient, even, if you’re a COVID conspiracy theorist.
Misplaced Cover Letter Comma Difference Between Fulfilling Career And Life Of Failure
Also not bad!
Stop And Chat Well Past Its Prime
Okay, I think this is pretty good.
Philadelphia 76ers Fan Denies Rumors He's Tanking Life Again This Season
Sorry 6ers fans…this was 9 years ago and The Process still hasn’t yielded fruit.
Self‐Esteem Support Group Exploits Men’s Wearhouse’s “You’re Gonna Like The Way You Look” Guarantee
Oof. Way too long with no bite.
Preseason Injuries Shuffle Fantasy Orgy Draft Rankings
Lol.
Father Fighting To Come To Terms With Son’s Lack Of Facial Hair
Can you guess what I was insecure about at 24?
Obama Bites Head Off Live Turkey In Annual Thanksgiving Tradition
A vulgar/jarring angle! Okay!
Local Man Has Plenty Of Time Left To Have Sex This Year
Oh boy. Another revealing one in the worst way.
Moon Landing Hoax Theory All Grandfather Has Left
Sad but good for a chuckle!
Evidence Suggests Technological Singularity Likely To Fall On A Wednesday
Eh.
Area Woman Struggling To Keep Up With The Kardashians
One of my favorite jokes about America’s most famous family.
Report: 90% Of NFL Players Using Phone On Sidelines To Prank Call Roger Goodell
Meh.
Man Waiting For Open Treadmill At Gym Goes Home To Wait For Netflix To Buffer Instead
There are way better Netflix buffering jokes I could have made in 2014.
Unsupervised Social Hour Sparks Sexual Renaissance Amongst Retirement Home Residents
Nope.
Collectively Blacked Out Vegas Weekend Bonds Friend Group For Life
There’s something funny in the idea but it’s not this.
Man Athletically Grooms Own Back
Fine. Just fine.
Historic Morning Coworker Conversation Omits Any Mention Of Tiredness
Really ran out of steam toward the end here!
Mother, Child Agree To See Other People
Decent?
American Tourist Repeats Question Louder In English
Haha. This is definitely about my dad.
NIBs
Doctor Informs 28‐Year‐Old His Heart Not Healthy Enough For Sex
AUSTIN, TX—Assuming a face of professionalism and solemnity, Cardiologist Herb Shatner looked up from his clipboard Wednesday and informed local resident Ian Donnell that his heart is no longer fit for sexual activity. “Due to high cholesterol levels, high blood pressure, and a number of hereditary factors, I’m afraid Ian’s heart simply isn’t strong enough for sex anymore,” said Dr. Shatner, adding that engaging in acts of carnal pleasure could seriously increase Donnell’s risk of heart attack and other cardiovascular issues. “Certainly this comes as a blow to men at his age, but health is of the utmost importance. You only get one body.” Reached for comment, Dr. Shatner told reporters Donnell should look into other hobbies such as whittling or chess in the park.
This isn’t terrible, but I don’t think it’s very funny either. I also messed up the POV here — the doctor looks up from his clipboard to inform the guy of his condition, but then the quote refers to him in the third person as if he’s making a wide announcement. Oh well.
World Decides To Conspire Against Local Woman Today
EARTH—Stating that today felt as good a day as any to unite together against the interests of 34‐year‐old Libby Margulis, the Earth’s 7 billion residents agreed unanimously Monday to fulfill her anxiety that the world is out to get her. “Libby seems like a nice woman, but sometimes we all need a brutal confirmation that Earth’s entire population wants to see you fail,” said Brian Whitcomb, a construction site manager in Calgary, Alberta, emphasizing that every moment of her day, from the broken alarm clock making her late for work to her boyfriend’s decision to end their five year relationship, would be carefully schemed. “From what we gather, she already feels the world actively oppresses her on a daily basis, so why not validate that notion today?” As of press time, every one of the planet’s inhabitants was conferring on how best to deflate Margulis’s ego at a dinner party with all of her married friends from college.
So, I think this is a case where the body of the article is pretty funny and hits the premise dead on, but the headline doesn’t quite deliver the same punch. That’s probably a nonstarter. The headline has to be a strong enough joke on its own.
Area Man Nails Meaningless Interaction
SHAKER HEIGHTS, OH—Pumping his fist in exhilaration, local 29‐year‐old man Anthony Forch told reporters Thursday that he had nailed a meaningless interaction with the cute cashier at the corner store down the street. “I’ve been waiting years for that moment,” said Forch, beside himself with joy at the completely mundane exchange with a woman who remains thoroughly unaware of his regular visits to her place of work. “I don’t know, it’s like something finally clicked into place. We had this crazy energy—I think I’ll ask her out next week.” At press time, the cashier was ringing up another customer for the same value pack of beef jerky Forch had purchased from her ten minutes earlier.
Sadly, I think the only good thing about this one is the name Anthony Forch. I’m gonna use that again somewhere.
Anyway, if I’ve learned anything from these failed efforts, it’s that I’m a lot funnier when I’m not trying extremely hard to be funny. Self awareness! What a gift. Back to more existential stuff next week.
Maybe you should start your own publication?