I’ve long said that my white whale in the realm of publishing is to get a piece accepted to McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, which is right up there with The New Yorker’s Shouts & Murmurs section as the gold standard for Internet comedy writing. Well, I guess it’s one of my white whales, because I also very much want to get my novel published. In any case, whether that makes me half or double the Ahab isn’t super relevant. I’m 0-for-9 on McSweeney’s submissions in the last decade, and I thought it might be fun to share what (at times embarrassingly poor) writing hasn’t made the cut. Included for each entry is the response I got from longtime editor Christopher Monks, a seemingly lovely guy who somehow has time to rifle through nonstop submissions on his own. Excluded is the full text of the articles themselves — I won’t subject you to that and the joke is supposed to be all in the title anyway.
1/ July 2013: An Open Letter to lol
Open Letter Submissions <websubmissions@mcsweeneys.net> Jul 14, 2013, 7:26 PM
Hi, Victor -
Thanks for giving us a shot with this, but I'm afraid we're not going to use it.
Best,
Chris
vbeigelman@gmail.com Jul 14, 2013, 8:17 PM
Hey Chris,
Thanks for getting back to me. Is there a specific reason why? Would love to get feedback so I know where to improve for next time.
Best,
Victor
McSweeney's Web Submissions <websubmissions@mcsweeneys.net> Jul 19, 2013, 7:00 AM
Just didn't make me laugh enough. Premise was fine, but execution didn't match it.
- c
Didn’t make him laugh enough. Brutal!
2. October 2013: An Open Letter to Scrundle, My Apartment's Wi-Fi Network
Open Letter Submissions <websubmissions@mcsweeneys.net> Mon, Oct 7, 2013, 7:10 AM
Hi Victor -
We aren't going to use this one, but here's hoping Scrundle gets your message eventually. Thanks for the read.
Best,
Chris
Nope. But at least he definitely scanned some of it!
3. October 2014: Babe, if it’s Supposed to Be a Surprise, Just Fucking Surprise Me
McSweeney's Web Submissions <openletters@mcsweeneys.net> Oct 2, 2014, 1:02 PM
Hi Victor -
This has some fun lines, but overall is [sic] doesn’t slay quite enough. Thanks for considering us for it, though.
Best,
Chris
Okay, I remember this felt validating on some level. There were some “fun lines” in it! I guess we were saying slay back then, and I didn’t quite achieve the requisite slaying, but maybe I was improving?
4. October 2014: A Hipster Goes To Applebee’s Ironically And Ends Up Loving It
McSweeney's Web Submissions <websubmissions@mcsweeneys.net> Tue, Oct 21, 2014, 11:50 AM
Hi Victor -
Some fun lines here, but I’m going to pass. We get a lot of hipster-themed stuff, so I have to reign it in on the site or else us risk looking like a one-trick hipster bashing pony. Thanks for the read, though.
Best,
Chris
:/
:/ because I got rejected and :/ :/ because I actually tried to cleverly make fun of hipsters and normies all at once and revealed that my irony level was actually not beyond both of theirs.
5. September 2016: I'm Telling You, Vladislav — I'm Going to Come Out of This Haircut a New Man
McSweeney's Web Submissions <websubmissions@mcsweeneys.net> Thu, Sep 15, 2016, 11:30 AM
Hi Victor -
The voice her [sic] is funny, but the premise/hook here doesn’t really grab hold quick enough. Thanks for the read, though.
Best,
Chris
My barber at the time was not named Vlad, but he did offer me a shot of whiskey while giving me a haircut. To be honest, I don’t really even know what joke I was trying to make.
6. August 2017: As an Iceberg Myself, I’ll Thank You Kindly to Quit Alluding to My Nether Regions
McSweeney's Web Submissions <websubmissions@mcsweeneys.net> Fri, Aug 11, 2017, 12:35 PM
Hi Victor -
Certainly amuses, but I’m going to pass. Thanks for trying us again.
Best,
Chris
Remember those iceberg posters that would be adapted into a metaphor about all the under-appreciated stuff that’s actually behind anything you can see? E.g. “success” above the surface and “hard work, rejections, persistence, discipline, blah, blah, blah” underneath? I had an idea about anthropomorphizing the iceberg to be pissed about everyone constantly referring to its genitals. Didn’t play.
7. October 2021: I Can’t Believe It’s Already October, Despite Time Being a Fixed Human Construct
McSweeney's Internet Tendency Timely Submissions <timelysubmissions@mcsweeneys.net> Mon, Oct 4, 2021, 9:36 AM
Hi Victor -
A fun one, but afraid we aren’t going to run it. Thanks for the opportunity!
Best,
Chris
Okay, this was actually a good idea. I know that because even if McSweeney’s didn’t like it enough to publish, Points in Case did a year later. Please think about it next time you marvel, especially as an adult, that a given amount of time has passed. The way it always does.
8. April 2023: As President of Tekrovia, I Take Full Responsibility for This State-Sponsored Genocide
McSweeney's Web Submissions <websubmissions@mcsweeneys.net> Fri, Apr 21, 10:13 AM
Hi Victor
Sharp satire, but we’re going to pass. Thanks for the read.
Best,
Chris
Okay, felt good to hear that this is at least considered sharp satire. It’s pretty dark, given that it’s framed as a letter from the president of a fake country to its people about an upcoming genocide and written in the style of a CEO email to employees about upcoming layoffs. Maybe I’ll post it here one day after I fully shake off the notion that someone from Meta’s comms team would see it and get me fired. We’ll see!
So there you have it. My nine failed McSweeney’s submissions. 10th time’s the charm.
I admire your persistence, hope McSweeneys finally realize what they’ve been missing. But everyone’s sense of what’s funny is different, and yours is great even if it doesn’t seem to click with them. It works with others though