Presenting my first published book

Look who's been in print for 23 years

Original print, circa 2001

I’ve been using Footbridge partly as a vehicle to explore ideas, partly as a forcing function to write more generally, and partly to write about writing itself. In that last bucket, I’ve gone all over the map so far. There are essays on writing characters outside of your own experience, some words from my unpublished novel, building out an agent pitch list, how to name characters and books, the long periods in between promising developments on a path to publication, the process of writing a first draft, and the simple fact that I’ve written a novel at all.

What all of this glosses over is a lie. I’ve been framing up a journey for all of you to join me on—one that hopefully leads all the way from an unpublished work of long-form fiction to a book you can purchase and hold in your hands. The truth, however, is that I’ve already written a book that exists in physical form. It’s been in print for almost 23 years and it’s called The Copiers. It follows a young boy named Riley who is surprised to learn that his entire first grade class (including the teacher) has begun to dress like him, act like him, and even respond to his name. To make amends for misleading you, my dear audience, I’m publishing pictures of it in full below, with some commentary. Unfortunately there’s only one copy, so if you’d like to purchase it, you’ll have to pay up bigtime. Feel free to email me directly with your bid.

Once there was a boy named Riley. Riley had a wonderful life. He was the coolest kid in his first grade class. But it all ended on Friday the 13th in August. This day was the most unluckiest day ever. This was the day when all the odd things started happening.

Keep in mind that I was not only the writer, but the illustrator here. Multi-talented.

You see, Riley was having a normal day until he walked into his classroom, 409. As he looked around he froze. Everybody was wearing the same thing as him. Dark shades, cut-off shorts, and red smiley face shirts. Even his teacher, Mrs. Igotagotobafroom had pitched in. She was from Canada or something. We just called her Mrs. Igo.

Mrs. Igotagotobafroom. Classic! Also note the first-person plural in the last sentence here. Is the narrator in this class?? (No.)

The room was speechless for about 10 minutes until finally, Mrs. Igo spoke, “Is there anything wrong, Riley?” “Why do you all look like me? stuttered Riley. “Because we are all Riley,” said Mrs. Igo.

Finally everybody sat down to the morning math. “Would someone like to come up to the board and do the problem 4+8?” piped Mrs. Igo. A few kids raised their hands. Mrs. Igo called on a kid named Ralph. “Yes Riley, come up to the board now,” grunted Mrs. Igo.

Mrs. Igo speaks, she pipes, she grunts. She is a very expressive teacher.

As the kid came up to the board, Riley shouted, “I’m Riley, he’s Ralph, try to get it through your head!” “Riley, were all Riley, you know that,” said Mrs. Igo politly. “Ughhh!” yelled Riley, clenching his tiny fists. “I’m outa here!” shouted Riley. And he ran home. “Fools!” thought Riley as he charged home.

When Riley got home, he sat down on his bed and started thinking. Riley had noticed that the copiers (his class) had started doing every same movement as him. That gave him an idea.

Riley would ask his dad to build him a robot that looked exactly like him. He would send the robot to school by remote control. He would program the robot to build a rocket and fly it to Uranus and never come back.

Of course. Hadn’t we been sending our trash into space for a while already?

If the copiers still wanted to be like Riley, they would be stuck on Uranus forever — At least not until he pressed the shut-down button. All he had to do now was ask his dad to build the robot for him.

Riley’s dad was a nuclear scientist and a miracle worker with machines. Riley walked downstairs to his father’s office. “Dad, can you build me a robot that looks like me, it’s for a school project,” said Riley quickly. “Sure son, It’ll be done by tomorrow,” He said.

Is this story about the total lack of awareness children have around the burden parents carry to keep a household running, or a genius scientist with too much time on his hands?

By the next day, his father had built the machine of the century. At least it looked like it. The robot looked exactly like him. Clothes and all. “This is perfect, nothing can stop me now!” cackled Riley out loud. “Cough! Maybe I shouldn’t do that anymore.” thought Riley.

As Riley got out the door, he jumped behind a bush and programmed the robot to do everything he wanted it to do. He even set a timer for when the robot should shut-down.

Riley watched the robot on the mini-screen controller to see what was happening. Everything worked perfectly! Within 3 hours the copiers were all on Uranus. Riley couldn’t believe it. They were finally gone!

Riley lived on to be himself. He went on into the 2nd grade. He was as happy as ever. He never thought about the copiers again. They didn’t matter to him. Nobody ever asked either.

Nobody?

One day when Riley got home and flipped through the TV channels, he was shocked to hear the news. Some sort of a distress call had been heard from Uranus. The Hubble Space Telescope had also seen moving figures on Uranus. Riley was very nervous he didn’t want the copiers to come back.

In a few days, a rocket came out of nowhere. The lost class stepped out. The only trouble Riley got into was being brought back to the 1st grade for another year! The End

Honestly, Riley got off pretty light for sending a bunch of children to the far reaches of the solar system. But I have to say I’m proud of this for reaching a mostly satisfying conclusion and for generally being a coherent narrative.

Hello, my name is Victor Beigelman. I wrote this book and I am in fifth grade. I live with my mom, dad, and my 17-year-old sister. I also have a cat named Sylvester. I like to play basketball and baseball. That is just some info on my life.

This is a real book. You can tell because there’s a bio at the end. Shoutout to the cat I grew up with. That is just some info on my life!

Victor, Great colorful illustrations — I like how you used the whole space.

The first review is written on the inside cover. A very positive one, as you can see. And if you really squint, you can make out that the + is actually pencil, not blue pen. I added it myself, because I have my own back.

Anyway. Bidding starts at $1,000,000.

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